“As Mark Twain"

Script from a speech I did, impersonating Mark Twain. Enjoy.

May I just say, the report of my death has been highly exaggerated!

For the few, who may not know me, I am Samuel Langhorne Clemens, otherwise known under my nom de plumb, Mark Twain.
"Mark Twain". A term from my days on the river. It meant the depth of the river was two fathoms or twelve feet- deep enough for any river boat; clear sailing. Huh!! Clear sailing my life has not been!

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass. I have been a printer, riverboat pilot; miner, newspaper reporter, lecturer, author, and pretty much an ass for (check watch) 169 years now.

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one. Each time I thought I had everything figured out- things never seemed to work out quite like how I thought it would. I've sailed around the world several times, I've met people of all kinds, and somehow I've gained some well founded wisdom. I should be able to share that wisdom with you if you have, say, 5 minutes.

I had heard about a river called the Amazon. I was immediately intrigued. Some friends and I were to embark on a trek of a lifetime. One thing led to another and I was soon on a solitary expedition. My voyage led me to a trip on the Great Mississippi River and onto one of those great river steam boats, the "Paul Jones". It was there I fell in love.

Not with some beautiful woman, but with the glass cathedral which was the Pilot's house of the Riverboat with its Princely views of the muddy, mysterious waters of that great river. I forgot the Amazon and set myself determined to become a steam boat pilot. I spent $500 and 2 years training with Pilot Horace Bixby, learning to navigate the 1200 miles of river between New Orleans and St. Louis.

A pilot, in those days, was the only unfettered and entirely independent human being that lived in the earth. Piloting on the Mississippi River was not work to me; it was play--delightful play, vigorous play, adventurous play--and I loved it! It wasn't but two years later and the so-called Civil War stopped the Riverboats on the river. And Although I momentarily aligned myself with the Confederates, I always thought it is easier to stay out than get out. I took leave of the river and rode the overland stage coach out to California and the mine fields of Nevada.

Nevada. Some people are malicious enough to think that if the devil were set at liberty and told to confine himself to the Nevada Territory, he would...get homesick and go back to hell again.

I began mining, thinking I would become rich by either striking the mother lode or by selling my many mine shares. Neither would produce the fortunes I had hoped and I found that I had an untreatable addiction to wanting to eat, even if but once a day. I had to once again look for employment.

In looking for work, I was very particular about what I would accept...I didn't want to work! So I took a job as a newspaper reporter since I couldn't find any honest employment. I began writing dispatches for The Enterprise in Virginia City. They first published my reports from the developing State Assembly in Carson City. I eventually began to write travel dispatches as I began to travel the world and writing about my travels.

Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention;" but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and-WATCH THAT BASKET."

I had found my gold mine! in addition to the dispatches, I began to write books and lecturing on my adventures. Success came easy. It was like fixing a watch.

When your watch gets out of order you have a choice of two things to do: throw it in the fire or take it to the watch-tinker. The former is the quickest. I could make a living by speaking and writing, or by working. The former was the easier.

I hear a few of my books are even considered "Classics". Of course a classic is a book which people praise and don't read. But I am pleased nonetheless.

With all my early failures, was my life a tragedy? No! Just great writing material.

Carpe Diem! Seize the day! Don't let opportunity pass you by whatever that opportunity might be, or be disguised as.

Who knows? You might find yourself talking about these opportunities somewhere, sometime when people are surprised to find you still kicking!